blessing

Crazyness of life amazes me. You might be a believer or not. I am, so I will write it like that: God's crazy ideas amaze me.

So often in my life so far I could not understand what the deal was, I struggled and suffered... I was chasing something or pushing away. In the last few months I have learnt to let go. To open up, listen with my heart, be accepting to what comes my way, gives darker or brighter colours to the passing days of my life. I still make choices, decisions - sometimes very difficult. But slowly I grow in myself the peaceful agreement for what is being given to me.

I opened my heart. I got rid of negative emotions, assumptions, prejudice. There is no people I hate. And very few I dislike. I found new friends, many friends. People who are sincere and caring, and in their kindness - genuine and selfless. I closed my eyes, opened my arms and soul, and allowed myself to trust again. And I met a person who became my soulmate.

So, here it is. A reward for taking risks in life, despite how painful the lack of luck could be? Or is it rather another proof that after the rain, there is always a rainbow? And the rainbow would not exist, if the sunshine was not covered with the raindrops first?

I feel so blessed.

who would have thought

So the sad thing is: today I realised this song still makes me cry. I listened to it on my way to work and my make up went down...



But the happy thing is that... the list of good things is much longer! And actually, is crying so bad? Is suffering bad, unnecessary? I think it just IS, it has to be. And maybe it's even this part of life which shapes us the most...

I feel loved, cared for, thought about... I have so many fantastic things to do and so many great people around me. I even started putting my volunteering plan into force!

It's just that my heart has not finished with hurting yet...

voice

After almost a week spent mainly in bed (due to health issues, nothing fun!), it's Friday night again and I feel alive again (well, quite alive let's say).

(And yes, I love brackets. I love additional comments. I love talking. Last week I lost my voice.) Ha ha ha.

Nonetheless, those days spent mostly in silence and loneliness, took me down the "low mood and sad thoughts" alley... and the lack of sunshine at this time of year does not help in avoiding depressive moments.

But hey, a few kilograms of chocolate and I survived. Only something in a form of philosophical traveling across my memories remained. When time stops for you, when it pushes you into the back seat (or your bed) and forces your mind to slow down, this is what usually happens to me. Thinking about my friends, about my family, about people "I used to know", about how lucky I am and how stupid I am sometimes, about all the mistakes I made and about the good decisions, the right choices. About all the beautiful moments and the painful ones.

About the disappointments and amazing discoveries of human hearts.

And this journey always brings conclusions in the shapes of so old, so well-known truths. I guess I need to re-word them, speak them out loud for myself in order to really understand them. Now that I lived them, I know what they truly mean.

idea

I got it stuck in my head like the song you hear the first thing in the morning and cannot stop humming until you feel asleep at night...

I want to start doing something good. Something for others. And not like - just some volunteering stuff, to have this "feel good" factor in my life. Not a free time activity.
I want it full time. I want this to be one of my priorities, which occupy my mind on a daily basis. I want to give myself away, be humbled, be engaged, be for others, and give whatever they might need.
I don't know what I could do. I know generally what I can do, and probably what I do better than worse, but how do I find out who needs my skills? How to use them and where?

It doesn't have to be anything special. Not thinking about flying away to Africa and saving children's lives... I just want to be useful. Here and now. Make a difference. Not a big one. Just a very tiny one. Like the one when the bus driver actually smiles at you when you come into the bus. That makes a difference to me, it makes the start or the end of my day so much better.

Okay, so I said it out loud (actually I wrote it). So what's the next step, what's the next step?

miracles

I think I have never really believed in them. Treated them more like myths, extraordinary, symbolic stories, which are supposed to teach us something. That's for the famous ones. And the ones that happen to random people? Well, I just thought they don't really happen.

So what am I supposed to do now, when one just happened to me last night???

back in here...

It's been ages...
Actually those of you who were reading my blog may not read this post, may not find the blog again... I had to change the link, because the previous one was hacked. Shame. But I could do nothing more about this. I transferred the whole blog archive in here, so - dig in deep into the old posts from the last two years or so, and let's get to know each other :)

October...

Time flies! Especially when you need to wake up early and when you come back home late. And still there is so many things to do! My RE studies books are lying on my desk and waiting for me impatiently... I think I will have to spend some time with them very soon! Got my first email from my tutor, the students' forum starts any day now, so I cannot stay behind.

But how am I supposed to do this when I see such a beautiful day rising outside? Yes, it's October and autumn welcomed us with a very warm breeze and lots of sunshine...

I feel I will need to divide my time to keep the balance ;)
Leaving you with some music. Nothing new, Fleetwood Mac and Stevie again. "Gypsy" somehow has clung to me since the beginning of this week, so... it's the song of the week, I guess:)
Enjoy lovely Stevie: